The biggest fool on earth

I've really outdone myself this time:
Yesterday I went to a party and one of my two best friends was there as well.
After a couple of drinks I did the single most stupid thing I've ever done.
I confessed my love for her. In my eyes she is the most beautiful woman on earth, and I love inner values even more. She is kind, funny, hardworking, just and simply amazing. In other words way out of my league. If she were just a crush nothing bad could have happened, I got rejected so many times another rejection could not have done much harm.
But the real problem as mentioned above: She is one of my closest friends. And I knew my chances with her are as big as an ice cubes' in hell.
But I truly believe that some people are worth the risk, and because I love her and because she is such a great friend she deserved that I am completely honest with her.
Best case scenario, no matter how unrealistic, she tells me she likes me back. Worst case scenario she rejects me but we remain friends.
Way of the mark!
By the way this was not the stupid thing I mentioned, the stupid part comes now:
She didn't believe that I love her, because she thinks I am in love with someone else, and she told me it is better this way because I don't have a chance.
I could have been of the hook so easily, I could have stopped right there having saved my friendship and even though she didn't believe me I would have been honest with her. But drunk me doesn't think that way. No, no, no. Drunk me tried to convince her that I truly love her...
Well long story short: Guess who now doesn't even talk to me anymore?

I knew I don't even have the slightest chance with her, she is just way to perfect for me in every aspect, well maybe except for the part that I am funnier.
I don't have many true friends, well if I am completely honest with myself I only have 2 people in my life that I can call real friends. She was one of them. And I fucking blew it for the incredibly dump off chance that she might like me back. How can I be such a fool? My life is miserable right now, and instead of making it better, and being satisfied with the fact that I have 2 truely amazing friends. I sabotage my own life and blew my chance of getting better soon.
Some might say if she doesn't talk to you anymore she wasn't a real friend in the first place. But I refuse to acknowledge that

One of my biggest flaws is that I fall in love way too quickly. If you are nice to me chances are high I fall for you. I hate the fact as much as everyone around me does, but it seems I cannot be helped with that and I have to accept the fact and try to live with it.
The thing I can do is not confess my feelings to every girl I like. I should have realised that earlier but now I have and it cost me my best friend.

All I want to say to conclude this is:
I am sorry I deceived you
I am sorry I love you
I am sorry I risked this wonderful friendship
I am sorry I thought about what would make me happy instead of making you happy
I am sorry if I hurt you with my confession in any way
I am sorry I didn't think about the consequences
All I strive after is to make my friends as happy as can be. Sometimes I feel like I will never find happiness in life and that is way I kill myself to bring others happiness. Yesterday I selfishly thought about my own happiness, and I lost 50% of my friends and 33% of the people that are the most precious to me. Maybe I am right, and I am not meant to be happy. So from know on once again, I will make the people I love happy maybe that is the way to gain some happiness myself.

Sad but true words

Found these two things on the Internet today and I wanted to share them with you:

No one notices your tears,
No one notices your sadness,
No one notices your pain,
But they all notice your mistakes!


When someone asks me,
"What's wrong?"
I simply reply with,
"I'm just tired."
And they agree;
they say to take a nap

But you see,
this exhaustion,
it is not something simply
resolved by sleeping.
I cannot simply shut my eyes
and wake up okay.

I need a break from
my brain,
my heart,
my life.
I need to go way
for just a little while

Or maybe just forever


As I said, these words are not mine, but I couldn't agree more with them. That is why I posted them here.

A coward's way

My daily routine:
Sleep
Work
Lunch
Sleep
Supper
Sleep

Why so much sleeping you might ask. Is it because my job is so exhausting? No it isn't.
The only time I don't feel any pain right now is while working or sleeping. And I chose the cowards way, instead of facing my problems I run from them. When I sleep I don't feel the pain that is destroying me, so I sleep. Simple, easy and gutless.

Which one is worse?
Losing your strength or finding out you didn't really had strength in the first place?



Well writing here could be the first step out of this vicious circle, so I keep you posted. But for now it is time for bed.

Dreams

In my dreams you are mine,
But in my life you are just a dream

Thank you

I is not always easy being friends with me. I am a funny guy that cares a great deal for his loved ones. Maybe sometimes I even care too much. I desperately try to be there for my friends, whenever they need me. I sacrifice my time and money for them, but that's all right, because nothing makes me more happy than to see my friends laugh and be happy.
But I can be a realy pain in the ass too, me constantly worrying about my friends well being might be just a little much to take for some of them. I am very insecure and my constant fear of losing friends drives me to act as I do. I fear anything less than 150% of my support won't be enough and I failed to realise that I drove so many of them away because of it.
Not only did I sacrifice my time and money as mentioned above but also my health. It is easy to forget your problems when you try to fix your friends'. But slowly and steadily my problems multiplied. I tried to burry them deep inside of me, but one day I could not hold them inside of me and they burst out all at once.
Now my friends have to deal with me, and I feel so bad about it. I love to help them but when I need their support I always feel like using them. But I didn't listen to my body trying to tell me something was wrong, and now it is too late for me to fix everything on my own.


Well looking back at the paragraph above it seems as I want to cry about my current situations but actually I intended just to do the opposite.
I want to say thank you to someone. We know each other for more than seven years and are friends ever since. And all this time you were always there for me and I never heard you complain about me, even though you probably had some opportunities to do so. When I talk to you or do stuff with you I can be myself, we make each other love and I really enjoy your company and the things we have in common. And even now when I feel like shit you still manage to make me smile. I know I expected you to put up with a lot lately and for that I apologise. But you are my best friend and I couldn't be happier about it. This friendship means so much for me words cannot even describe it.
I already said some of this to you in person, but I wrote these words so everyone could see them.

Thank you for being friends with me, thank you for being able to endure my bad times and not complain about it, and thank you for all the fun we had together and most of all thank you for all the good times we will have in the future.

Our Generation

Don't you think it is sad that our generation is born too late to explore the world, but born too early to explore space?

We might never find out if we are alone in the universe or not, both ideas are equally terrifying if you ask me. When I look at the endless night sky I get sad because of this. But on the other hand without having the means to explore space all these questions remain unanswered and a part of a great mystery. And it leaves so much room for your imagination, which gives me a good feeling almost as strong as the sadness I get for being born way to early.

The friendly monkey

I once heard a saying that made me really think:
"Come let me help you out of the water or you will drown, " the friendly monkey said. And he put the fish safely on a tree.

I always thought about the deeper meaning of this little sentence. But I never thought I would be in a similar situation. And it gets really complex. Right now you cannot really say which role I take, because both of them apply to me:

For starters I am like the monkey for I desperately try to help my friends and loved ones, whenever possible. For them I do not need to sleep, it doesn't matter if I am busy, at work, doing sports or something else. When they need me I am there for them.
You probably can say I care or do too much. And I agree, but this is how I am. Recently most of the time I don't feel joy myself. But when I can help my friends to be happy, I can feel happy too.

On the other hand you can say I am like the fish. I am swimming in the water minding my own business, but suddenly someone comes and causes problems or difficult situations for you when none should occur.
I have enough problems on my own. Right now so many I cannot really take care of them. But then some people in your life are able to add problems to my long list of problems.
I need time to fix it, but where to start, when the count rises? Some of these people have the right intentions and just want to help, like the monkey. But they do not know enough about the situation and cause more problems than they solve.

 Luckily I am not lost yet.
But more about that on a later post.